Mother Love

"This is the mother-love, which
is one of the most moving and unforgettable
memories of our lives, the mysterious root of all
growth and change; the love that means homecoming,
shelter, and the long silence from which everything begins and in which everything ends."

—C. G. Jung, Aspects of the Feminine

Mother's relationship with her children.

Today my sister told me that Mother used to teach her about certain dates in the Chinese calendar which are believed to be not sutiable for moving house. She said that Mother used to tell her those dates quite often until she had memorized the dates by heart. This set me thinking...how come Mother had never even once told me? Then I realized something. Possibly Mother's relationship with Sister compared to her relationship with me could be quite different. I also remember that when Mother was not well it was to my sister, her elder daughter, that she confided in. Similarly when she was short of cash when we were younger, it was her elder daughter who was asked to go to the pawn shop. Although I always felt I was close to my Mother I think Mother was closer to her elder daughter in the matters she considered more important.

I plan to teach my sister to make blog entries on this blog one day because she would have so many memories about Mother that I do not know about. Similarly I would try to persuade my brothers to make entries too.

Mother's hainanese chicken balls and chicken meat

Picture borrowed from flickr.com

We (Wan Lan, Tai Hou, Ching and me) were having dinner at Chow Yang yesterday before Tai Hou returned to Melbourne, when the conversation went to chicken rice balls. According to Sister Wan Lan, the famous Melaka Chicken rice balls taste no where near Mother's chicken rice balls.

What I remember more vividly was Mother's chickens and castrated free-range cockerels which she reared herself for many years. When we were in Parit Buntar she had quite a big chicken coop at the back right hand side of the government quarters where we stayed. We used to get a lot of fresh chicken eggs. Once in a while we would accompany her to the government vet to castrate the cockerels. I used to see the vet making an incision on the cockeral and then sewing it back. Even after we moved to Petaling Jaya she used to keep a small chicken coop at the back of the house in which she managed to rear 5-6 chickens, to be slaughtered for the Chinese new year. Normally she would buy the little chicks from section 1 PJ 2-3 months before the CNY. Her chicken meat always tasted much much better than the chickens we buy from the market.

Regret, remorse and guilt

Brother Tai Hou, back for a short visit from Melbourne, made a trip to Fairy Park in Meru, Klang, to pay his respects to our late Mother. For me, as usual on occasions like this, as I waited and watched, I was flooded with memories and a profound sense of loss. There were also feelings of regret, remorse and guilt for not having given her the best and for all the hurtful words and actions I wished I could have taken back.

One of Mother's favourite dishes

Brother Tai Hou came back for a visit from Mebourne. Sister Wan Lan treated us to durians and her very nice tomyam beehoon goreng, with bunga kantan (ginger flower) and kaffir lime leaves. While we were eating the beehoon, sister said that Mother would have loved the beehoon goreng. Yes, I recall one of Mother's favourite dishes was a nyonya recipe called perut ikan becaause of the combination of ginger flowers, kaffir lime leaves and daun kadok leaves, sliced finely and added to the many other ingredients. I remember Sister used to cook the dish for Mother once in a while.

Picture borrowed from www.rasamalaysia.com

Go away...I cannot follow you

I was watching a Hong Kong TV series today. In a scene, the matriach of the family was very ill. Before she passed on she told her children at her death bed that her old friends (who already passed away) had come to fetch her. Then she breathed her last.

This reminded me of an incident which happened with Mother (she was in her 60s) when, following acute kidney failure, she had to undergo a major operation to remove one of her kidneys in the Asssunta Hospital. I waited for her when she was being operated on. Immediately after her operation, I was allowed to accompany her in the recovery room. She was still under heavy sedation when I distinctly heard her say in our dialect, "No...I cannot follow you. Go away! I still have to look after my children..." . I did not tell many people about this, only to Vicky, my sister-in-law who came to the hospital shortly after that. She lived for another 20 years after the operation with only one kidney.

Memories

Through memories we tread the secret way
Across the silent borders of Now and Yesterday
Memories evoke for us the face, the words, the smile
of those we have loved so long and lost awhile-Author unknown

A Mother's love

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world
It knows no law, no pity,
It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path

-Agatha Christie

Mother's favourite paus

Yesterday I was in Plaza Damas to meet the lawyer over the sale of my condo unit. By chance I saw a small restaurant called Tanjung Malim, which apparently belongs to the owner of the famous pau shop in Tanjung Malim, Perak. I bought 4 paus with curry chicken filling. While eating the pau, I was reminded that Mother used to love paus with chicken curry filling and I used to drive to Damansara Heights with her just to buy her favourite pau.

Roses

ROSES

You love the roses - so do I. I wish
They sky would rain down roses, as they rain
From off the shaken bush. Why will it not?
Then all the valley would be pink and white
And soft to tread on. They would fall as light
As feathers, smelling sweet; and it would be
Like sleeping and like waking, all at once!


George Eliot 1819-1880

Mother used to keep my favourite fruits for me

It is the rambutan season again. I had always loved the rambutans...it is something about the texture of the flesh of the rambutan that I cannot get enough of. Knowing how much I loved rambutans, Mother used to keep alot for me, either the rambutans from our own tree at home or rambutans given by her friend ChapSui who stayed nearby and has a big rambutan tree in her garden.

Mother and the Hypermarket

In the late early 90s when hypermarkets first came into the scene in the country, Mother used to enjoy being taken to the hypermarket. I remember the first hypermarket that opened in the country was Macro in Shah Alam. One needs to be a member and in the beginning not everyone could be a member. I had the privilege of being given a member card. My Mother often requested to be taken to the Makro and once inside, like the great shopper that she was, she would be going from shelve to shelve looking for bargains. She was in her 80s then and I remember she was already not very agile. But when I offerred to push her on the big Makro trolley she refused. Normally at the end of the shopping trip in Makro she would be quite tired but everytime she thoroughly enjoyed herself and felt satisfied with her purchases because the prices were slightly lower than at the small retailers or the supermarkets.

Mother, you now have 6 great grand daughters

Tai Hou just had another granddaughter, Keira Woon (Wei Yung's second daughter), born on 8 June. Now Mother would have 4 great grand daughters in Australia (2 from Siow Yen and 2 from Wei Yung) and 2 in Kota Bahru (one each from Freida and Farini), another one more great grandchild on the way (Farini is expecting). Mother would be so delighted if she is still alive.

The pancake

Spent the weekend in Kota Bahru with my sister for Farah's wedding. Somehow one day our conversation went to the pancakes that Mother used to make for us either for breakfast or for desert. Mother liked to make pancakes and we liked to eat the pancakes either with jam or with thick condense milk. Up to now at this age, I still occassionally indulge in this "sin".

I wish I know more about her chidhood and younger days

Today I bought a bunch of lychees from the hypermarket,imported from China. My Mother had told me that in her village in China lychees grew freely and they were at liberty to pluck lychees from the trees anytime they wished.

I wonder how her childhood in China was like. I should have asked her more about her childhood and got to know her better. I do know a few things though. She told me she was one of the few girls who had the privilege of going to school for a few years as Chinese families in the olden days only sent their boys to school. Her nephew, Lim Bo Yin told us she was one of the prettiest ladies in her village. He described her as the village belle. It is a pity I know so little about her childhood and younger days.

To my Mother on Mother's Day

Mother, things were never the same after your death, as you left behind a space never to be filled. I miss you for myself, my sister and brothers, for your grandchildren and now for their children, the little ones born after your death.

I thank you for enduring the hard times as a young woman caring for the family,for mothering your five children without a whisper of complaint. I thank you for all of the meals you prepared, for the house you kept clean and laundry you did without modern conveniences.

I hold dear in my heart and mind the memories of you walking with me on rainy days to the bus station at 5.30 in the morning to send me to school, for staying up late at night to accompany us to study, your delight in seeing my Senior Cambridge exam results, my Higher School Certificate results and your encouragement to me to apply for a place in the university, even though I could have brought some immediate relief to you financially if I had started working earlier.

I could never erase from my mind your quiet smile and wet eyes when I gave you my first month's pay after I started working upon graduation, which you gently refused and only accepted upon my insistence. I could also never erase from my mind your expression of deep hurt when I married against your wishes, for which, on hind sight, you were right all along. I could never forget your love for my children, so unconditional and genuine, indeed your capacity to love all your grandchildren equally, a trait I most treasure. For all of this, and so very much more, I thank you.

A regret I have is that I had not spent enough time with you in your old age and had not shown you the appreciation that you deserve.

I could never forget your helplessness as you were slipping away from life with kidney failure 10 years ago and the desperate look in your eyes when the doctor sent you home, asking me whether the doctor had given up on you. I know now in heaven you weren't missing anything, that it is me who is missing out.

Remembering Mother

When you remember Mother
And the things she did and said,
Do you remember the nights
She tucked you up in bed?

When you remember Mother
Is it her laughter or voice you recall,
Or just the fact that she was there
To lift you should you fall?

When you remember Mother
Do you see her cooking and sewing,
Do you remember her care for you
As she watched as you were growing?

When you remember Mother
And you were an adult too,
Remember as she was aging,
That she depended on you.

When you remember Mother
Her kindness and her love,
Remember that you were blessed
With a gift from Heaven above.

by Linda J. Vaughan

Mother's final resting place

These images were taken on 7 April 2009 when I accompanied Big Sis Wan Lan to Fairy Park, Mother's final resting place to perform Cheng Beng. It is already 10 and half years ago since Mother returned to heaven on 9 August 1998.

Mother enjoyed looking at big houses

One of the things that Mother enjoyed so much doing was to be driven around the city to look at buildings and big houses, the bigger and the more luxurious looking the better. I used to pamper to her hobby by driving her around the Kenny Hills and Damansara area, and some areas in PJ where there are big mansions, sometimes at her request and sometimes on my own initiative. When my children were small they used to come along and it was not only an outing for them and their grandmother but also a time for bonding. I too enjoyed those leisurely moments with her, which also broke my own monotony.

Mother's strange liking for cliffs

Last night I went to a friend's son's wedding at the far end of the city. So I used the NKVE Duta exit. Driving through the stretch of the expressway with my son, I recalled Mother used to request me to drive her through that stretch of the expressway just to see the cliffs on both sides of the road. The road was a cut - through into some high hills, resulting in high cliffs flanking both sides for quite a long strech. Mother used to marvel at the sight of the cliffs and she used to wonder aloud how the engineers were able to do it.

My Mother really loved her grandchildren

My Mother genuinely loved all her grandchildren. Even though I married against her wishes (and in hindsight I realize how right she was), she loved my children just as much as she loved all her other grandchildren. In fact, my second son used to think he is grandma's favourite. My sister's son also thinks he is grandma's favourite. I think she treated all her grandchildren as her favourites.

I also distinctly remember Mother's claim that each time just before any one of us (her 2 daughters and 3 daughters-in-law) got pregnant she would have a dream that she was given a baby and she would hold the baby in her hand. I believe her.

A piece of my Mother with me

When my mother passed away on 9 August 1998 she had with her a few pieces of jewellery. I remember giving my sister- in- law Lucy the jade ring, my sister -in- law Aminah the jade bracelet. My sister in law Vicky did not want anything as she is aversed to keeping anything belonging to a departed. My big sister kept a pair of jade earings and I selflessly took my Mother's gold band that she wore on her finger everyday and a pair of diamond earings that she wore sometimes. Having these 2 pieces of jewellary in my possession remains the closest I could come to taking a piece of her with me.

My Mother the kind soul

My sister and me were discussing the problem faced by our cousin brother Tai Seow who was involved in an accident. He has been operated upon and could be released from hospital but he opted to stay on despite the high cost because there is no one to look to his needs at home. Sister and I both think that if Mother were alive, she would definitely welcome Tai Seow to stay with her during his recuperation. Yes, Mother was the kind of person. We remember Mother used to allow some of her nephews to stay with us even though we hardly had enough space ourselves.

Memories of the cherry tree

When I was small I used to play for hours under the cherry tree in our compound in Sabak Bernam. I still remember most of the time I used to play under the tree, but sometimes I climbed onto the tree when I had company. There was once when I was on one of the tree branches and played there with several other children about my age group. As usual Mother would come out to call me for lunch. On this particular occassion I refused to come down the tree. When Mother scolded me I told her I wanted to play with my friends on the tree. Suddenly she gave out a scream, climbed up the tree herself, brought me down and promptly shut the door. When my Father came back from work I heard her telling my Father there were no other children on the tree with me. This memory had stayed with me for so long and although memories had become blurred, I am still sure I did play with several children on the tree.

The morning glory reminds me of how Mother used to struggle

Today during my daily brisk walk I came across a beautiful bush of morning glory. I was reminded of a time long long ago (more than 45 years ago) when I was a 14 year old girl in lower secondary school. Our class teacher ordered us to bring a bunch of flowers for the vase on the teacher's table everyday. Most of the girls in my class were from well to do families. They would buy flowers costing quite a lot when it came to their turn to fill the vase. It became almost like a competition of who brought the nicest flowers. I definitely was not looking forward for my turn. I definitely was not looking forward for my turn. I received 20 cents each day for my snacks in school from Mother and there was no way I could afford the money to buy flowers for the vase. I had planned for a few weeks. When it came to my turn I brought a pair of scissors in my schoolbag and cut a big bunch of morning glory from the fencing of the army depot on my way to school. I felt very ashamed when I put the flowers into the vase and even more ashamed when the teacher said "Who brought this? You should not bring wild flowers like this!" Now, I think she should be really really ashamed of herself, not me. Fortunately for me she was transferred to another school soon after that and the tradition of bringing flowers for the vase stopped.

One thing I was very conscious of when I was young was how Mother had to struggle to manage the little money that Father gave her for household expenses. Sometimes she even pawned her precious little valuables she had kept for many years. I remember I normally did not use the 20 cents Mother gave me every day (unless I had to buy a pencil or an eraser or other stationaries). I did not like the big crowd in the canteen during reccess and I wanted to save the money. When I saved enough, about 2 dollars, I would give the money back to Mother. She was not a demonstrative person, but everytime I gave her my savings I knew she was moved, although she would always advise me not to go hungry in school. Actually I was never hungry because my best friend used to share her imported biscuits with me.

Mother was a hospitable woman

Yesterday sister Wan Lan informed me that our cousin Tai Seow,about 7-8 years older than me, was knocked down by a motorbike in KL. He sufferred a broken leg and 8 broken ribs.

I recall when I was a teenager still in school he was a frequent visitor to our house in PJ. Infact if my memory has not failed me he used to come by almost daily, just to play with us and to have lunch or dinner and normally stayed the whole day. Even though we were not very well off and lunch or dinner was not that splendid, he would join us for meals everytime. He was like a part of the family. Mother used to be very happy with his visits. Infact as he had no Mother, our Mother used to be especially warm to him. Or, maybe I am mistaken...Mother was a person who had been always very hospitable to her relatives and anyone who came to visit.

Looking back, I miss those days when Mother was alive and when we were all together, with not much luxury but with a simplicity that only Mother could inspire.

Mother's hopes

Today I bought a bunch of kailan. While washing the vege and discarding the old leaves, I recalled one of my Mother's habits. Whenever, she picked kailan or choysum or spinach or any other vegetable, she would only retain the very young leaves. When I pointed out that she was wasteful she used to tell me, "those are not nice, how to eat!". I did not quite agree with her because some of the leaves she threw away were acceptable to me. In a way, this habit shows the kind of high standard she set for herself, which also reflected the kind of pressure she used to put on herself to want the best for her family. She also in a way set high hopes and expectations for her children and in the process placed too much pressure on herself.

Youth fades, love droops, the leaves of friendship fall, A mother's secret hope outlives them all. -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Mother fried Chinese kueh bakul with sweet potatoes and yam

Now that the CNY is over, everything had quietened down. I remember when Mother was alive and when I was still not married, this was the time Mother started to "get rid" of all the kueh bakul that we had either bought or received as gifts from friends and relatives who visited. Mother used to fry the kueh bakul with sweet potatoes and yam for breakfast and for tea. In fact, it was not uncommon to see alot of these on the dining table and we just helped ourselves whenever we felt hungry. Even now, I like the kueh bakul fried with sweet potatoes and yam.

As I look back...

As I look back on my life

I find myself wondering...

Did I remember to thank you

for all that you have done for me?

For all of the times you were by my side

to help me celebrate my successes

and accept my defeats?

Or for teaching me the value of hard work,good judgement, courage, and honesty?

I wonder if I've ever thanked you

for the simple things...

The laughter, smiles, and quiet times we've shared?

If I have forgotten to express my gratitude

For any of these things,

I am thanking you now...

and I am hoping that you've known all along,

how very much you are loved and appreciated.

Author Unknown

Mother made sure that she gave ang pows to everyone who comes to the house on Chinese New Year

Spent the first day of CNY in Father's house in Petaling Jaya. Also there was Brother Tai Kam who came back from Jakarta and Brother Tai Keat and family who came down from Kota Bahru. I cooked my Mother's traditinal dishes with the help of the maid. It was hectic but I am glad Tai Kam and Tai Keat were there. Most of Tai Keat's family members were there too, jam-packing the house but it was good. I think if Mother is around she would be so happy.

Also at the lunch was Norsham, my children's aunty and one of my close friends. She recalled that for the many years that she had joined us for the CNY, when my Mother was alive, my Mother had never failed to give her an AngPow. In fact, I recall that M0ther used to take great pains to ensure that AngPow packets were distributed to every unmarried relative or friend who visited her on CNY day.

Missing Mother during the Chinese new Year season

In 2 days time it will be the Chinese New Year. When my Mother was alive, this was the most important time of the year for her. I remember she used to start preparing for the occassion many weeks in advance, like sprucing up the house, changing the curtains and at times even changing the furniture sets in the house.

For Chinese New Year Eve, She used to cook a some traditional dishes that everyone used to enjoy, although it was the same recipe year after year. Hainanese Chicken rice was a must, and not any kind of chicken, but chicken she reared herself in the backyard in a coop, for exactly 3 months. The chicken was simply boiled for 20 minutes with ginger and salt, but the taste was really out of this world. Then there was our favourite stuffed fish maw and stuffed mushroom dishes. There was also the sea cucumber dish which I could never duplicate. The soup was none other than home-cooked sharksfin, painstaking prepared.

After her death 10 years ago, I tried my best to keep up her tradition by cooking the same dishes. But of course the dishes, however much I try, never tasted the same. Nevertheless, every year I do it, at least some of the dishes, to keep up the family tradition and because I know she would be happy that I do it.

I really really really miss my Mother during this time of the year.

Let your friends also enjoy wealth, Mother said

In a few days time Chinese all over the world will be celebrating the Lunar New Year. One of the customs is to give Manadarin oranges to close friends. I have not been proactively giving Mandarin oranges to friends. However, I always make it a point to return the same if I do receive them. I remember my Mother had told me many times that when a friend give you Mandarin oranges it symbolizes he/she is bringing you wealth. Therefore if you receive, you must give the same in return so that your friend would also enjoy wealth.

She was willing to sacrifice her life for her family

I was then still a small girl, still in primary school I am sure, because we were then staying in Parit Buntar. There was one year when my Father got quite sick. He had quite bad diabetis and had to go to the Ipoh General Hosipital, about 2 hours drive away from Parit Buntar to get his regular insulin jabs. Then my Mother learnt from a Thai old lady staying in Parit Buntar about a small plant which can cure diabetis. She learnt to recognize the small plant. She used to walk out of town to harvest the plant, most of the time bringing her children with her.

She painstakingly plucked and washed the leaves, pounded the leaves into a paste and cooked the paste with a whole big piece of meat on low heat for several hours. When it was done, she would take out the meat and serve the paste to my father. But each time, 2 hours before she served my father the paste she would take 2 tablespoons herself first. Why? I asked her. I still remember her reply "if nothing happens to me within 2 hours, then I will give father the paste". Actually, she was never sure whether the plants she plucked were the right ones and she was afraid that Father may be poisoned and die. What if you die? I asked her. Her answer was " it is better for me to die because I do not earn money. Your Father has to live to earn money to bring you all up".

Even though I was still small and could not fully appreciate her courage, I had never forgotten what she said. Also my father was actually cured with the paste.

I remember the day my Mother gave brith to my little brother in Sabak Bernam

One vague memory of my Mother in Sabak Bernam was the day she gave birth to my youngest brother. She was in the room with the Bidan (a person who helps to deliver babies in rural areas). I remember wanting to go into the room but I was restrained by the Malay lady who was our neighbour. I vaguely remember also that when the cry of the baby was heard it was our neighbour the Malay lady who rushed in first to hold the baby. After that she wanted to adopt my brother and she continued to try to persuade my Mother for a few months after.

More than 2 decades later after we got married and got pregnant Mother used to comment that she did not know why giving birth was so difficult for us. She told me that every time she gave birth (she had 6 births) she just have to lie down, turn to her right side and the baby would come out. I wonder if it was really that easy for her, but that was what she told me.

You'll find her right there in your heart and mind

Probably when I was 2-6 years old we were staying in Sabak Bernam when our father was posted there as a Court Interpreter for the magistrate's Court. Although I had little memory of my life in Sabak Bernam as I was too young, I do have some some vague memories.

At that time, more than 5 decades ago, Sabak Bernam had no cars. The Government clinic only had a Hospital Assistant to attend to patients and there was no clinic. I started school there and completed Standard 1 in the Chinese school before we shifted to Parit Buntar.

Our Mother would have been only in her early-mid 30s. I remember the government quarters where we stayed. The house was on stilts. The kitchen was at the back of the house downstairs. That was where Mother did the cooking, using firewood and washing. She used to hang a cloth hammock outside the kitchen where my younger brother Tai Kam and later Tai Keat used to rest. Tai Hou and me would be playing nearby. Mother used to ask me to rock the hammock for my younger siblings, while she cooked and washed. It seems she found me such a good help that she delayed sending me to school for 1 year.

I also remember following Mother in the evenings to the house of her friend, Mrs Tan whose husband used to work as a Clerk in the land office. Mrs Tan had many children maybe about 10 and 2 of the girls were my age group. While Mother chatted with Mrs Tan, I would play with the 2 girls. I had also followed Mother to the house of her friend who worked as a cook for a White man. That was where I had my first taste of nescafe and yummy imported biscuits.

When Mother has passed

The pain is so unkind

Just look deep inside you

And you'll find her

Right there in your heart and mind.

The only folks we really wound are those we love the best

"There's one sad truth in life I've found,
While journeying east and west
The only folks we really wound,
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow,
To those who love us best."~ Ella Wilcox

Forgive me Mother for all the hurt I had caused you.

Mother walked with us on rainy mornings

Today, I took a brisk walk in the neighbourhood in Petaling Jaya where I grew up. We lived on Road 12/16. On the left is the picture of part of Road 12/13, which is a long road, one of the main thoroughfares in this neighbourhood. We had to walk all the way along this road in order to arrive at the bus stop along Jalan Bukit, about 3 kilometers away from our house on Road 12/16. I still remember vividly waking up at 5am every morning and walking to the bus stop to catch the 6am bus to go to school in Kuala Lumpur. My walking companion was my brother Tai Hou as both of us went to school in Kuala Lumpur, while the 2 younger brothers went to school in Petaling Jaya. On rainy mornings, my Mother, then in her 40s, would walk with us all the way, each of us holding on to an umbrella, to make sure we were safe.

For God knew in His great wisdom
That he couldn't be everywhere,
So he put His little Children
In a loving mother's care.
-Helen Steiner Rice

Mother's sacrifices

Today I met my old friend Lim Lan Nee who I first met in the late 1960s when I worked as a part time Enumerator for the Statistics Deaprtment during semester breaks. I recalled every semester break I was eager to work with the Statistics Department, not only to meet my friends, but also to earn some money to help my Mother pay my semester fees. I remember it was difficult for my Mother to come up with enough money to pay my fees. I really don't know how she managed. Sometimes she asked my sister to pawn some of her gold.

One thing I remember very clearly was that she used to owe money to the provision shop from where we got our supply of dry provisions. The young man who sent the provisions on a motorbike from a shop about 2 kilometers away from our house would come with a small booklet very time he delivered the goods, to record the value of goods bought by my Mother. Every end of month he would come to collect our debts and most often then not my Mother could not pay him in full. I remember feeling very sad everytime when my Mother asked him for more time to settle the debt. In late 2000 when I started working, my first pay was about $650. I remember giving my Mother $500 from my first pay. She rejected at first but accepted when I asked her to pay the provision shop debts with the money. I did not know if it was enough, but I felt so happy to be able to help out my Mother.