My biggest regret

This is one of my favourite pictures that I have of Mother. Judging from the row of roses behind her, this picture could have been taken before I got married in 1975. That would mean Mother would have been about 62. Looking back, I really really wish I had been a better daughter to her.  Hurting her so badly remains my biggest regret in life.

I rise in the dawn, and I kneel and blow
Till the seed of the fire flicker and glow;
And then I must scrub and bake and sweep
Till stars are beginning to blink and peep;
And the young lie long and dream in their bed
Of the matching of ribbons for bosom and head,
And their day goes over in idleness,
And they sigh if the wind but lift a tress:
While I must work because I am old,
And the seed of the fire gets feeble and cold.

 - The Song Of The Old Mother by William Butler Yeats

Her second baby girl

Every year on my birthday I would remember something that Mother had told me.

When I was born Mother was very sad and also scared, because she was expecting Father to get angry with her for giving birth to another girl.  However, she told me that unexpectedly Father did not react the way she expected.  Instead Father immediately carried me in his arms and smiled delightedly.  She told me that was the time when she realized that father was actually a good man.
The next day the doctor discharged Mother and me. It was post Second World War, life was difficult. Father pleaded with the doctor to let us go home first and he will make full payment later. "You and your wife can go home, leave the baby here, bring the money then you can take her home", the heartless doctor shouted. Father left the clinic, leaving Mother crying with me in her arms. After a few hours Father came back with some money he borrowed from relatives and friends in Brickfields and we all went home to Brickfileds in a trishaw. 

We lifted Mother's ban!

Several days ago Father told the maid how he longs to have a sip of beer.  After consultation with sis we decided to buy him a bottle of guiness stout.  It was his first alcoholic drink after more than 20 years, when he was banned from drinking alchohol by Mother who was concerned about his health.  Needless to say, he enjoyed it very much.  We decided that since he is already 101 years old we should not deny him this small pleasure.  So we lifted  Mother's ban! 

Angry, helpless and a lot of guilt

Caring for Father in my house for 5 weeks last month made me realized that  caring for an aging parent is the most difficult thing one could ever endure. He has lost a lot of weight. A once very healthy man who was very much into sports had now shriveled down to a mere weakling. He has now become incontinent and has to go to toilet every half hour, at most, every hour.  He refuses to wear diapers so I had no option but to give up almost all my sleep as his legs are so very weak that he has to be accompanied each time to the toilet.  

The most difficult part for me is not the sleep deprivation but the feeling of helplessness and frustration.  I feel angry that this is happening to someone so close to me, my Father. I feel helpless and a lot of guilt  for not being able to give him the best, not able to give him back the quality of life that he deserves.  I feel there just isn't anything I could do for him that would make him happier. He is making the motions, but his quality of life is no longer.

I remember physically caring for Mother too for about 2 weeks before her passing 13 years ago.  The memories came rushing back when I look at Father now.  Now that Father has gone back home as the domestic helper who looks after him had come back from her holidays, I am relieved of having to care for him.  But I cannot for one second stop feeling the despair and frustration.      

Mother in her prime

I miss thee, my Mother! Thy image is still
The deepest impressed on my heart.
~Eliza Cook

My Mother's approval

Father left today for home and suddenly I feel so sad.  Although his being here had placed a lot of pressure on me (as he was then without the maid), I really wish he can stay here for the rest of his life.  I don't know why I feel this way.  Probably because I dreamt of Mother again last night, giving me a broad smile, as though she appproves of me looking after Father?   This morning I tried to persuade him to stay but he flatly refused and said "I want to go home". Why can't my house become his home?

I wish I had more time with Mother

Father, now 101 had been staying with me for 5 weeks now as his maid had gone back to Indonesia for a break.  Although Father is generally healthy relative to his age, Sister and I realized that he has had no more interest in his environment for quite a number of years already, maybe about 10 years. 

We then recall our Mother whose character was quite the opposite.  She liked to go out, just sight-seeing, looking at tall buildings, big houses, interesting scenaries.  She loved the NKVE stretch of road leading to Jala Duta because of the high cliffs on both sides of the highway.  She also liked to go to hypermarkets and would get very excited when she looked at the thousands of products on the shelves.     

Every now and then I used to pamper to her interest and drove her around.  But those trips got less and less frequent for her when I got more and more busy with my work and with the children.  On the day that she got really sick and could not get out of bed in 1998, she actually had an appointment with me to drive her to see the then brand new Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA). When I arrived in the house in Section 12 Father informed me about her condition and I had to take her to the Pantai Hospital instead.

I remember clearly she said to me on several occassions that she could not wait for me to reach retirement age so that I would have more free time to bring her places.  Sadly that was not to be as she passed away 2 years short of my retirement. There are so many things I wish I had the time to do with her and also so many things I wish I hadn't done to her.  Forgive me my Mother.

A visit from Mother?

Last week when Father was having a bad bout of diarrhea in my house, I was resting on the bench when I dreamt of Mother.  She was looking young and happy.  She said "Your father sick ?  No...I don't think so...".  With those words she flew out of the house.   Maybe she did come for a visit, we'll never know...  

What Mother would have expected

My 101 year old father will be staying with me for 5 weeks while the maid is away.  Although this puts a lot of stress on me, I am doing it not only because he is my father but also because I believe this is what my Mother would have expected me to do.   

Mother's legacy

In the past week I had been visiting my 101 year old father quite frequently as he is not well.  I often brought with me some food that I cooked for him. So far I have cooked chicken legs with muichoy, chicken wings with preserved raddish, oxtail with raddish, all of which were Mother's dishes which she used to serve often when we were young.  Father, although not well, seemed to enjoy what I prepared.  These traditional Chinese dishes and others, including Hainanese chicken rice are my Mother's legacy and I am glad I can still cook the dishes her way.  .

The bond that endures

I was at my Father's house yesterday on Mother's Day. Sister and I talked a bit about Mother, basically comparing Father with Mother. While driving home I thought a lot about my Mother.

I can never forget the fact that it was Mother who gave me the support to apply for a place in University. After completing Form 6 (that was 45 years ago) my Father had encouraged me to work. I remember he showed me an advertisement for a Cadet Journalist position with the New Straits Times and asked me to apply. Probably he was worried that he would not be able to support me as well as my 3 younger brothers through university.

At that time I had already got hold of an application form for placement in University Malaya. I was therefore hesitant to apply for the job and at the same time I dared not apply for a place in the university. I filled up the form in pencil, photostated all the necessary supporting documents and placed it in the drawer. But everyday I would take it out and look at it. After about one week my Mother waved me to one corner of the house and whispered "You want to go to university right?". I nodded. "Then apply" she said and she took out the form from the drawer. "Where to get money to pay the fees?" I asked. "Don't worry, I'll see what I can do" she said. Up to today I never knew how she got the money to pay for my first term fees.  Although it is almost 14 years since she passed on, I still miss her a lot.

Indeed, what am I, without you, Mother!

"A mother’s job is probably the most laborious in the world, often comes without a Manual, and once appointed, there is no such thing as turning back or throwing in the towel. Once a mother, always a mother!From morning sickness to labour pains, a mother’s worry for her child ceases only with her last breath. Sacrifices she makes often come unrecognised, undervalued and often, taken for granted.

Her sweat was probably dry before you could even notice it. Her burnt skin from the kitchen was probably forgotten. Her tears went unseen. Her sleepless nights unrecorded. Her fatigue, unmentioned.

But yet, a mother’s love will always stand strong like a flame that burns despite all odds. This is the real meaning of “Unconditional Love”. Untainted. Come rain or shine".

Quote: Sairana Mohd Saad in what-am-i-without-you-mother

Remembering Mother

Three weeks ago I accompanied brother Tai Kam and sister Wan Lan to Mother's grave.  After nearly 14 years the pain has eased but memories of my sweet mother remain fresh in our minds.

Mother will understand

CNY had gone by almost 2 weeks now.  This year I did not cook in Father's house as I normally did for the last 14 years to keep up Mother's tradition.  I am taking a break this year.  I hope Mother will forgive me.  Somehow I think she understands.