I realize there is so much I am grateful for

When my mother passed away 15 years ago, we didn't think father would survive one year without her, for although they used to bicker a lot, he was very dependent on her. Surprisingly, he outlived her by 15 years and lived to 101.

I know that getting old is such a big and normal part of life and yet it was so hard watching father getting old, particularly in the last 2 years of his life. I sometimes silently questioned myself, how could this happen? How could a once strong, independent, sporty and intelligent man become weak and frail? Where is the man who used to play badminton, play tennis and walk to the lake every morning to fish?

When he stayed with me for 5 weeks last year while his caretaker was on home leave I tried my best to improve his health but I think I did nothing for him. He was making the motions, but his life was over. I realize then that caring for an aging parent is the most difficult thing one could ever endure. I felt helpless, frustrated, angry and sometimes even overcome with a lot of guilt that he was getting so weak.

When I came across my father's 1992 diary while clearing up his belongings recently I realized how much I did not remember about my father when he was younger. It’s also pathetic how random are the things that I do remember about my father. When I read some pages of the diary I swallowed back my tears and longed for my old home when both father and mother were healthy. I realize there was so much love and there is so much I am grateful for.

SPeng