As I look back...

As I look back on my life

I find myself wondering...

Did I remember to thank you

for all that you have done for me?

For all of the times you were by my side

to help me celebrate my successes

and accept my defeats?

Or for teaching me the value of hard work,good judgement, courage, and honesty?

I wonder if I've ever thanked you

for the simple things...

The laughter, smiles, and quiet times we've shared?

If I have forgotten to express my gratitude

For any of these things,

I am thanking you now...

and I am hoping that you've known all along,

how very much you are loved and appreciated.

Author Unknown

Mother made sure that she gave ang pows to everyone who comes to the house on Chinese New Year

Spent the first day of CNY in Father's house in Petaling Jaya. Also there was Brother Tai Kam who came back from Jakarta and Brother Tai Keat and family who came down from Kota Bahru. I cooked my Mother's traditinal dishes with the help of the maid. It was hectic but I am glad Tai Kam and Tai Keat were there. Most of Tai Keat's family members were there too, jam-packing the house but it was good. I think if Mother is around she would be so happy.

Also at the lunch was Norsham, my children's aunty and one of my close friends. She recalled that for the many years that she had joined us for the CNY, when my Mother was alive, my Mother had never failed to give her an AngPow. In fact, I recall that M0ther used to take great pains to ensure that AngPow packets were distributed to every unmarried relative or friend who visited her on CNY day.

Missing Mother during the Chinese new Year season

In 2 days time it will be the Chinese New Year. When my Mother was alive, this was the most important time of the year for her. I remember she used to start preparing for the occassion many weeks in advance, like sprucing up the house, changing the curtains and at times even changing the furniture sets in the house.

For Chinese New Year Eve, She used to cook a some traditional dishes that everyone used to enjoy, although it was the same recipe year after year. Hainanese Chicken rice was a must, and not any kind of chicken, but chicken she reared herself in the backyard in a coop, for exactly 3 months. The chicken was simply boiled for 20 minutes with ginger and salt, but the taste was really out of this world. Then there was our favourite stuffed fish maw and stuffed mushroom dishes. There was also the sea cucumber dish which I could never duplicate. The soup was none other than home-cooked sharksfin, painstaking prepared.

After her death 10 years ago, I tried my best to keep up her tradition by cooking the same dishes. But of course the dishes, however much I try, never tasted the same. Nevertheless, every year I do it, at least some of the dishes, to keep up the family tradition and because I know she would be happy that I do it.

I really really really miss my Mother during this time of the year.

Let your friends also enjoy wealth, Mother said

In a few days time Chinese all over the world will be celebrating the Lunar New Year. One of the customs is to give Manadarin oranges to close friends. I have not been proactively giving Mandarin oranges to friends. However, I always make it a point to return the same if I do receive them. I remember my Mother had told me many times that when a friend give you Mandarin oranges it symbolizes he/she is bringing you wealth. Therefore if you receive, you must give the same in return so that your friend would also enjoy wealth.

She was willing to sacrifice her life for her family

I was then still a small girl, still in primary school I am sure, because we were then staying in Parit Buntar. There was one year when my Father got quite sick. He had quite bad diabetis and had to go to the Ipoh General Hosipital, about 2 hours drive away from Parit Buntar to get his regular insulin jabs. Then my Mother learnt from a Thai old lady staying in Parit Buntar about a small plant which can cure diabetis. She learnt to recognize the small plant. She used to walk out of town to harvest the plant, most of the time bringing her children with her.

She painstakingly plucked and washed the leaves, pounded the leaves into a paste and cooked the paste with a whole big piece of meat on low heat for several hours. When it was done, she would take out the meat and serve the paste to my father. But each time, 2 hours before she served my father the paste she would take 2 tablespoons herself first. Why? I asked her. I still remember her reply "if nothing happens to me within 2 hours, then I will give father the paste". Actually, she was never sure whether the plants she plucked were the right ones and she was afraid that Father may be poisoned and die. What if you die? I asked her. Her answer was " it is better for me to die because I do not earn money. Your Father has to live to earn money to bring you all up".

Even though I was still small and could not fully appreciate her courage, I had never forgotten what she said. Also my father was actually cured with the paste.

I remember the day my Mother gave brith to my little brother in Sabak Bernam

One vague memory of my Mother in Sabak Bernam was the day she gave birth to my youngest brother. She was in the room with the Bidan (a person who helps to deliver babies in rural areas). I remember wanting to go into the room but I was restrained by the Malay lady who was our neighbour. I vaguely remember also that when the cry of the baby was heard it was our neighbour the Malay lady who rushed in first to hold the baby. After that she wanted to adopt my brother and she continued to try to persuade my Mother for a few months after.

More than 2 decades later after we got married and got pregnant Mother used to comment that she did not know why giving birth was so difficult for us. She told me that every time she gave birth (she had 6 births) she just have to lie down, turn to her right side and the baby would come out. I wonder if it was really that easy for her, but that was what she told me.

You'll find her right there in your heart and mind

Probably when I was 2-6 years old we were staying in Sabak Bernam when our father was posted there as a Court Interpreter for the magistrate's Court. Although I had little memory of my life in Sabak Bernam as I was too young, I do have some some vague memories.

At that time, more than 5 decades ago, Sabak Bernam had no cars. The Government clinic only had a Hospital Assistant to attend to patients and there was no clinic. I started school there and completed Standard 1 in the Chinese school before we shifted to Parit Buntar.

Our Mother would have been only in her early-mid 30s. I remember the government quarters where we stayed. The house was on stilts. The kitchen was at the back of the house downstairs. That was where Mother did the cooking, using firewood and washing. She used to hang a cloth hammock outside the kitchen where my younger brother Tai Kam and later Tai Keat used to rest. Tai Hou and me would be playing nearby. Mother used to ask me to rock the hammock for my younger siblings, while she cooked and washed. It seems she found me such a good help that she delayed sending me to school for 1 year.

I also remember following Mother in the evenings to the house of her friend, Mrs Tan whose husband used to work as a Clerk in the land office. Mrs Tan had many children maybe about 10 and 2 of the girls were my age group. While Mother chatted with Mrs Tan, I would play with the 2 girls. I had also followed Mother to the house of her friend who worked as a cook for a White man. That was where I had my first taste of nescafe and yummy imported biscuits.

When Mother has passed

The pain is so unkind

Just look deep inside you

And you'll find her

Right there in your heart and mind.

The only folks we really wound are those we love the best

"There's one sad truth in life I've found,
While journeying east and west
The only folks we really wound,
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow,
To those who love us best."~ Ella Wilcox

Forgive me Mother for all the hurt I had caused you.

Mother walked with us on rainy mornings

Today, I took a brisk walk in the neighbourhood in Petaling Jaya where I grew up. We lived on Road 12/16. On the left is the picture of part of Road 12/13, which is a long road, one of the main thoroughfares in this neighbourhood. We had to walk all the way along this road in order to arrive at the bus stop along Jalan Bukit, about 3 kilometers away from our house on Road 12/16. I still remember vividly waking up at 5am every morning and walking to the bus stop to catch the 6am bus to go to school in Kuala Lumpur. My walking companion was my brother Tai Hou as both of us went to school in Kuala Lumpur, while the 2 younger brothers went to school in Petaling Jaya. On rainy mornings, my Mother, then in her 40s, would walk with us all the way, each of us holding on to an umbrella, to make sure we were safe.

For God knew in His great wisdom
That he couldn't be everywhere,
So he put His little Children
In a loving mother's care.
-Helen Steiner Rice

Mother's sacrifices

Today I met my old friend Lim Lan Nee who I first met in the late 1960s when I worked as a part time Enumerator for the Statistics Deaprtment during semester breaks. I recalled every semester break I was eager to work with the Statistics Department, not only to meet my friends, but also to earn some money to help my Mother pay my semester fees. I remember it was difficult for my Mother to come up with enough money to pay my fees. I really don't know how she managed. Sometimes she asked my sister to pawn some of her gold.

One thing I remember very clearly was that she used to owe money to the provision shop from where we got our supply of dry provisions. The young man who sent the provisions on a motorbike from a shop about 2 kilometers away from our house would come with a small booklet very time he delivered the goods, to record the value of goods bought by my Mother. Every end of month he would come to collect our debts and most often then not my Mother could not pay him in full. I remember feeling very sad everytime when my Mother asked him for more time to settle the debt. In late 2000 when I started working, my first pay was about $650. I remember giving my Mother $500 from my first pay. She rejected at first but accepted when I asked her to pay the provision shop debts with the money. I did not know if it was enough, but I felt so happy to be able to help out my Mother.