Mother used to worry how father will cope without her

Yesterday, I made this entry in my other blog:

"Enjoying the peace of silence
Today my Father's caregiver asked for a day off. So I spent the day with him. My Father is nearly a hundred years old. He is healthy, can move around freely, albeit a bit slow and eats heartily if he likes the food served. His only weakness is his hearing impairment.

Many of us might think that being silent is a negative quality and thus the saying "the silence is deafening". But watching him, I think he is comfortable with himself. Although he was silent throughout the day, he was active...he read the newspapers, English and Chinese newspapers from page to page, he meddled with his writing table, taking out everything and putting the contents back again, he made some entries into a diary for a while, he watched television (the TV was silent), he had lunch and tea and gave sighs of satisfaction when he finished. Today in particular, he made no attempt at all to communicate with me. It looks like he is enjoying his silence. So I chose to remain quiet as well and did not try to pick a conversation with him and break his peaceful silence."

I remember Mother used to take very good care of Father despite their differences.  Even 2 days before she passed away, and she was very weak and confined to the bed, she was asking me whether we have prepared food for Father.   She told me also that if she passes away she cannot imagine how father could cope with his daily needs without her.  I know she will rest in peace knowing that Father is doing okay and well taken care of.

Dream

It has been quite a while since my last entry.  I had a vague dream last night of mother.  I could not remember what the dream was about but I remember she appeared in my dream last night.  Maybe it is because yesterday was my birthday. 

I should have been kinder to her

 In August 1998, August 9 to be exact, I lost the person who loved me most in the world.  I lost Mother that day.  It felt like a piece of flesh being torn from my heart.  Today 12 years later, the wounds had healed, but I still miss her.  Also I had always regretted not spending more time with her and not showing her the kindness and patience that she deserved, particularly after I got married, had children and had a heavy career that had robbed me of my time and and sometimes my good sense. 

Please forgive me Mother.  You deserved much more than what I had given you.

Mother with her 3 young sons in 1952

Mother carrying her yougest son Tai Keat. It was probably 1952 in Sabak Bernam

Mother and her best friend Mrs Tan, also in Sabak Bernam

Mother and  Mrs Tan.  Mother (on the left) was carrying her youngest son.  Her second son, Tai Kam  is at the back, while her oldest son, Tai Hou is to her left. 

I hope Mother is at peace knowing all her 3 sons had succeeded in their careers. The oldest son graduated as an Electrical Engineer, now retired and living with his family in Melbourne.  The second son, a Chemistry graduate also has a family in Melbourne but at this point in time he is working in Jakarta.  The youngest son is a doctor practising in Kota Bahru.   

When we were young

Mother in 1952 with all her 5 young children. We were in Sabak Bernam.

Our Mothers' unconditional love

I was having lunch with 2 secondary school classmates several days ago.  We were exchanging notes on when our mothers passed away.  Suddenly I said to the girls, "Since my Mother died, I think nobody in this world loves me unconditionally anymore".  They nodded their heads but did not say anything.  There was a silence for quite a while. Probably, like me, my friends were also thinking of thier mothers' unconditional love for them.

She loved her grandchildren from the bottom of her heart

I was having dinner with Farouk a few days ago.  Somehow we talked about Mother.  Farouk told his wife Azni that he was his grandmother's favourite grandson.  I smiled and agreed with him.  Actually Mother's love  for his grandchildren came from her heart.  All her grandchildren have the idea that he/she is her favourite grand child.  I rememeber sister had told me also that Ah Meng feels he is Mother's favourite grandson.  That is the kind of grandmother she was.   Farouk also told his wife that he finds it difficult to visit the house ever since his Ah Poh passed away. 

Mother and father in a CNY meal

Fara reproduced this picture and put it in her facebok. This could have been taken 2-3 years before Mother's passing.  Somehow, Chinese New Year had not been the same for us since Mother left us.

Mother, I am so grateful you are my Mother

It has been nearly 12 years since Mother went back to Heaven. For me, not a single day had gone by without thinking of her. I feel sad because she is no longer with us, I feel guilty for not having given her the best, for not appreciating her when she was alive and most of all I feel so grateful to have had her as my Mother.

Since Mother's death, every year on Ching Ming Sister and I will drive to Fairy's Park in Klang where Sister would perform prayers for Mother and make offerings of food, money and clothings.

The heart of a Mother

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness- Honore de Balzac, author

Fresh flowers for Mother on CNY

It's been nearly 2 months since I last made any entry into this blog in memory of my Mother. This is the time of the year again when I will miss my Mother the most. Next weekend will be the CNY. I remember every CNY Mother would want something new for the house, at least a new set of curtains. I remember one year I bought for her a new settee set and she was very pleased. Every first day of the CNY when I made my morning visit to the house I would bring along a fresh bouquet of flowers and each time she lighted up.